


it wasn't peaceful, but it was enough

by loganisnotcrying



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: But only a bit, Friends With Benefits, Love Confessions, M/M, Tenderness, idk why this is so short, probably a bit OOC, spoilers for end of s17 and beginning of s18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25635994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loganisnotcrying/pseuds/loganisnotcrying
Summary: Technically, they weren't dating. Neither Sonny nor Rafael had ever tried to raise the issue of labelling their friends-with-benefits-who-also-go-on-unofficial-dates-at-least-once-a-week situation. Actually, Sonny had mentioned it once, a few months after it all started, when he thought Barba was asleep and neither of them mentioned it the next morning.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 62





	it wasn't peaceful, but it was enough

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably a bit ooc but ngl idrc bc barba is Tender w/ the ppl he loves and u cant change my mind xoxo

Technically, they weren't dating. Neither Sonny nor Rafael had ever tried to raise the issue of labelling their friends-with-benefits-who-also-go-on-unofficial-dates-at-least-once-a-week situation. Actually, Sonny had mentioned it once, a few months after it all started, when he thought Barba was asleep and neither of them mentioned it the next morning. 

Barba was starting to think that maybe they should define it, or at least acknowledge what it really was, acknowledge that Sonny spent more time at Rafael’s than at his own place and had his clothes in Rafael's wardrobe and was the only one, besides his abuelita, who could snap him out of his foul moods. 

If he thought about it, he would guess that it was after the death threats started that Sonny became a part of his future, more than just a not-quite friend. When Sonny found out about the threats, from before and after Munson’s trial, he became even more protective than he was before - which was actually kind of impressive. He started coming over after work to cook for the both of them, he’d text him on his break to make sure he was okay - it also gave him an excuse to stay the night, not that he really needed one, not anymore.

It was late, after nine, and Rafael's office light was off. It must have been Carmen - saving electricity and all that - but he had only been gone twenty minutes to get a coffee, so she could have left it on. Sonny always turns the switches off too. 

He pushed the door open, then closed it with his hip, juggling his coffee and a handful of papers as he tried to flick the light switch before dumping it all rather unceremoniously on his desk. Somewhere underneath all of this shit was a bottle of painkillers, but he didn’t want to risk shifting any of the stacks of paper in case they fell. Perhaps, if criminals had to do this paperwork instead of us, the crime rates might drop, he thought idly.

"Christ!" He exclaimed. He’d been sitting at his desk for nearly ten minutes before looking up and doing a double take, "Detective, why are you sitting in my office in the dark?" 

Sonny barely seemed to acknowledge Rafael was there, let alone that he had spoken, just shifted his vacant gaze from the window in front of the sofa to the shelves behind Rafael. 

"Carisi, what's the matter - has something happened?" Rafael asked, concern creeping into his voice and urgency into his actions as he rounded his desk, coming to sit next to Sonny on the sofa. For a while they just sat, the only sound was their breathing but there was an almost violently anxious atmosphere radiating from Sonny. 

"Did Lieu tell you what happened today?" Carisi said eventually, voice barely above a whisper. 

"She said that Cole was aiming at you when she came in so she took the shot - was there something else? Are you hurt?!" The panic in his voice was palpable and his hands flittered uselessly around Sonny before he looked straight at Barba. 

"He-" Sonny took a deep shuddering breath, only letting it go when Rafael tentatively twined their fingers together, "The gun was on- He was aiming at my head." Sonny's voice cracked as he pressed the heel of his free hand to his forehead. 

It took Rafael a moment to put it together and his mind helpfully supplied him with the image of Sonny with the barrel of a gun pushed firmly… then, "Oh. Oh, Sonny, I'm sorry." 

Rafael gently tipped Sonny's chin up because… yes, there was still dried blood on his neck and under his collar. Sonny must have been covered - the thought made Rafael blanch. Sonny whimpered a stunted, broken noise in the back of his throat when Barba stood, but he relaxed minutely when Rafael dropped a gentle kiss onto his head. Barba went to his desk and pulled a packet of wet wipes out of the second drawer. He never used to keep them in his office, but the second draw had become what one imagines a mother's handbag looks like - something for every possible situation - and all because Jesse had thrown food over his desk the previous month.

The moment wasn’t quite peaceful - Sonny was crying, he had tears streaming down his face and his body jolted as if electrocuted with each new wave; Rafael didn’t move from his place on his knees in front of Sonny, cleaning Sergeant Cole’s sins from the delicate lines of his neck. No, it wasn’t peaceful, but it was enough; Sonny felt safe, surrounded by Rafael’s soothing voice, soothing hands, he felt at home.

Sonny was the one to break the silence, "I thought I was going to die, Rafi. It was so cold and, jesus, it just - my whole body I just froze." He reached up to cover Rafael's hands with his own, holding firmly, grounding him, physically stopping him from going back to that house. 

"I should have been paying attention. I should have cleared that house properly. If I hadn't been distracted I could have-" Sonny's hands wound tightly into his hair and his breathing hitched and faltered. 

"Hey, hey, none of that. You did good, sunshine, you did good, and you’re here and you’re safe, okay?” Rafael brushed his thumbs over Sonny's cheekbones to wipe some of the tears away, however, more fell in their place as Sonny tried to speak again but choked on a sob. 

“Hush, Sonny, it’s okay, you don’t -” He stopped abruptly when Sonny placed his hand over his mouth and pulled him up onto the sofa beside him. 

“No, I need to say this, Rafi, please.” Sonny was silent for a few seconds as he tried to organise his thoughts.

“Sonny, we talk about this later if you like?” 

Sonny shook his head, “I thought I was going to die today. I thought that they would be scraping me off the floor and I didn’t think of my family - well, I did - but mainly I thought of you. I don’t know if you want to hear this but I need to say it - all I could think about was you and how you like to cuddle, even if you deny it, how you snack when you’re thinking, how-” Sonny laughed shakily, “you colour coordinate your socks and underwear.”

Rafael laughed a little too, wiping the fresh tears from Sonny’s face.

“And, I realised that I was going to die before I could tell you… before I could tell you that I love you, Rafael. I love your passion and your snark and - and I love waking up next to you and -”

“Sonny?” Rafael said calmly. 

“Jesus. I’m sorry. I understand, if you don’t feel the same. We can stop this and, and I’ll-” Sonny’s voice faltered and he stood, hands tugging at his hair again.

“Sonny, look at me?” Rafael stood, placing his hands on Sonny’s hips and pulling him closer. “You know me, no nonsense. If I didn't feel something for you, Sonny, something meaningful, I would have ended this months ago.”

Sonny looked a little less panicked now; his breathing was still ragged, his hands still shaking, but he managed a weak smile and wrapped his arms around Rafael’s shoulders.

“Is that your way of saying you feel the same?” 

“Yes,” Rafael said, standing on his tip-toes to kiss Sonny’s forehead, “I love you, Sonny. Now, let’s go home.”


End file.
